I’m not going to get thru this alone.īut isn’t vulnerability what got me into this mess? I certainly was vulnerable when he assaulted me. My therapist says I should be more vulnerable, more open to these interactions.
Unfortunately, I’m also avoiding friends, family, and anyone who can help. It’s not just that I’m scared to step foot in a gay bar. The worst aspect of dealing with the PTSD caused that smirking bastard sexually assaulting me is that I’ve been closing myself off from others.
WOOFS GAY BAR COLUMBUS OHIO SERIES
Part One of series that’ll be as long as I need it to be: “Being vulnerable in the face of sexual assault (when you’re pretty sure it was your vulnerability that got you assaulted.” “Indelible on the hippocampus,” as the wise woman said. Each panic is different, which is why each one imprints itself on the palimpsest of my PTSD brain. When you extrapolate from a single point, you can go anywhere. I can how scan the horizon like a meerkat looking for that single point of information that I can extrapolate into a dire threat to my person.Įxtrapolating from single points of information is what gives each panic attack it’s own nuances, it’s own notes. I’m told it’s the amygdala.Įntering new rooms has pretty much devolved into the same multi-point kabuki of driving around the block, breathing exercises, looking for exits, etc. PTSD messes with your sense of space and time. It’s completely random I can never be sure until I open the box. Every room can contain a variable that will trigger me OR it may not. I’m not here to explain quantum mechanics to anyone, but I live in a constant state of Schrödinger’s Panic Attack. Yes, it’s a paradox that violates all rules of space/time. Since I confronted the loser who sexually assaulted me this past May, I have fled more rooms than I have entered. This past Friday, I had what can only be described as a “beneficial panic attack.” Part 3 of… “Being vulnerable in the face of sexual assault (when you’re pretty sure it was your vulnerability that got you assaulted)”